A recent Reddit post from a new DM made me realize that some DMs new to the game worry about their players not enjoying the adventure they run, or liking them as a DM. Some of this comes down to basic newbie anxiety, but sometimes they’re also picking up on potential or even actual vibes from the players themselves.
If you’re a DM, new or experienced, have you ever run a game and had this sort of anxious, nervous feeling, where you think, “Is everyone having a bad time? What am I doing wrong?” In this article, I’m going to cover this very real issue and give some advice that will help ease that anxiety and make your game more successful.
And if you’re a player, this article is definitely worth reading because it sheds some light on the efforts your DM goes through to make the game enjoyable for you. I talk about how your attitude during the game has an impact on the amount fun you’re likely to have in that experience. I also highlight some ways you can make a good time more likely. In the end, the goal is for everyone to have a great time at the gaming table.
Newbie Players
Okay, nervous newbie DMs, let’s get right to it. First of all, it’s important to understand that it’s not uncommon for the players to also be new to the game, and they may not know what to expect. They may come into it thinking it’s going to be like Stranger Things and you, as the DM, have to be just like Eddie or that you are just a Matt Mercer clone.
Speaking of Eddie of Stranger Things, I had that experience with a young player, who was actually confused about the fact that every D&D game is unique and not part of some big, common plot.
He literally thought I was going to be running the same campaign Eddie did in the hit Netflix TV show.
Other players come into it thinking the game itself progresses just like a movie plot, where they don’t have to do much but sit back and passively experience it. The DM is left wondering why the players aren’t engaging, or don’t seem to think they have to do anything. These players don’t realize they have to participate, and in fact the bulk of the action is on them. They need to decide where they go, what they do or say, etc.
You’re a Chef
Most DMs understand, either implicitly or explicitly, that their goal is to show the players a good time. They know it’s not about them, it’s about the players. The DM is like a chef cooking a delicious meal for their guests. In this sense, DMs are like hosts, making sure their guests enjoy themselves.
I think newbie DMs have an even stronger sense of that feeling, the inherent responsibility of the role to make the whole table’s experience an enjoyable one. This drive to show everyone a good time can border on the anxiety end of the scale, to the point where they fret and worry about it. I’ve been playing D&D for over forty years and I still feel that pressure and feel that drive when DMing a game for a group of players I’ve never met before.
To new DMs, I say, it’s normal for you to worry a bit about whether your players are going to enjoy your game, even once you’ve had a lot of experience under your belt. That’s part of the job, really.
And for players, remember that your DM cares about your enjoyment of the game. They spend a lot of time and mental, and even emotional, energy crafting an experience that you will enjoy.
Advice for New DMs
Do I have any advice for DMs on this? Yes, and like most things in D&D, it’s a bit subjective based on my own personal experience and observation after playing for four decades. I don’t know it all, but I have seen a lot, and I’m still learning something new with every game I run.
First, you cannot and will not be able to please all players. It can’t be done, at least not consistently. Remember, being a DM is like dating four or five other people at the same time. Everyone has their own unique personality, along with their own likes and dislikes and preferences, so making all of them happy all of the time is impractical, if not outright impossible.
Second, a happy DM has a better chance of being a better DM. If you’re not having a good time, your players probably won’t, either. If you’re constantly stressing and fretting over what your players like or don’t like, you’ll be spending valuable brain time worrying about the wrong kind of perception at your table instead of focusing on what’s happening in the game itself.
Players, Good and Bad
Players, here’s some valuable advice that’s actually in your best interest. Let your DM know if you are having a good time at their table. Positive feedback is like oxygen to them, so don’t starve them of it if you genuinely enjoy what they’re doing.
If you’re not having a good time, figure out why. If you’re having issues outside the game and you’re bringing that into the gaming room, don’t take it out on the DM. Let them know you’ve got a headache that night or that your boss is being an asshole. Whatever. If your issues are with the game itself or how the DM is handling it, let them know privately. Be constructive, be specific, and be honest, but above all be kind.
DMs Want to Excel
DMs, it’s totally valid that you want to be good at running the game. In fact, I’d say that desire is one of the prerequisite qualifications. However, if that desire to run a good game isn’t there, it will likely become a self-fulfilling prophecy. The trick is to pursue that improvement without it becoming an actual anxiety.
This takes a small realization and acceptance that you’ll put in the effort but you’ll never achieve that “Everyone is Happy” state with all the players at all the games. Even with a group of players who are your best friends and have been playing at your table for years will sometimes just not be feeling it. That’s okay.
We’re all human, except for Dave. Nobody’s quite sure what he is yet. You have an exponetially larger load on your shoulders compared to the players, who really only have to show up and roll some dice and maybe role-play their dwarven fighter with a Scottish accent, because you know, them’s the rules.
A Matter of Perspective
My final advice to DMs is to keep working to improve, no matter how long you’ve been running the game, but remember that perfection isn’t something you’ll achieve, because, and I’m being totally honest here, you can’t. There are no perfect DMs, so don’t stress it when you have an off night.
And to players, remember that your DM is likely working their ass off trying to present an adventure and gaming experience that you enjoy so much you still talk about it years later. Understand that how you come across during the game, intentional or not, can contribute or even take away from their ability to achieve that goal. If you’re not engaging, or you’re constantly looking at your phone during the game, or you keep ghosting the group by not showing up, that drags the whole group down a little bit every time. Ultimately you are the one that misses out on an otherwise fun experience.
If you’re genuinely not having a good time, figure out the truth about why, then have a one-on-one conversation with your DM and let them know. Be specific, but be kind about it.
